Northwest Indiana Discussion

A young woman is pulled by a gorilla into his cage and he sexually assaults her. People told the woman, "You must feel terrible". The woman replies, "I sure do. He never writes or calls

How Blonde Was She?



She was Soooooooo Blonde ..
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde.....
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

LOL !!! Good one, Geronimo !!!

Top Ten Al Gore Pickup Lines
Posted by Frank J. on June 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Now there are rumors that Al Gore was having an affair. If so, maybe he’s better with the ladies than you’d except. In fact, here are some of his well known pickup lines:

TOP TEN AL GORE PICKUP LINES

10. “I created the internet, and now I’m going to create making love to you.”

9. “We’ll make sweet love until the compact fluorescent light bulb burns out… which is a long long time because they’re very efficient.”

8. “The science is settled: I’m dead sexy.”

7. “It would reduce your carbon footprint if you shared a room with me tonight.”

6. “If you just watch this slideshow presentation, I think it makes it pretty clear and indisputable that we should totally do it.”

5. “Lucky for you my lovemaking is a renewable resource.”

4. “It’s not only my personality and mannerisms that are stiff.”

3. “Carefully study your love making option, because I don’t want you to accidentally have sex with Pat Buchanan.”

2. “The rumors are true: I am a robot — The Sex Machine.”

And the number one Al Gore pickup line…

“Here’s an inconvenient truth: There’s only one of me to go around.”

My wife left me... And I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses

I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath .....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s***!"

Then I would say,"It is dog s***. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

Secret Code




After a President has been in office for
1 year, it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.



So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:



370H-SSV-0773H



This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.



So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.



They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.



Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.



They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.



Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.



They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.



A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.



All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.



After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.



George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud, you're holding it upside down!'

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England .
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are
really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you
just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The
Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please
send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my
Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,
Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it
is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice
presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your
brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went
to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes
in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin
Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

and that my friends is whats wrong with our government.

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.



His horse has already died of thirst.



He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.




He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.




He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.



She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.



There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'



'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'



'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'



The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.



'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.



'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'



'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'






***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.



'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'



After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'






***POOF***



He was turned into a tampon.


Moral of the story:



If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

Jeff Foxworthy's
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4... You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7.. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. Your cousin is president of the United States.

The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo!
The mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Mexican?'
  
 

Another American Converts to Islam

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

A short spelling lesson:


1. The last four letters in "American" = I Can

2. The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can

3. The last four letters in "Democrats" = Rats

End of Lesson.

Test to follow in November.

January 2013

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

We can only "Hope & Pray!"